“I love being so close to you and looking into your eyes,
because I can feel your essence,” he said to me.
“What does it feel like?,” I asked him
“It feels like I’m being wrapped in the most comfy blanket.
It feels so nourishing.
It’s like tasting the sweetest thing.
It’s warm, like the sun shining on your face.”
That’s what my fiancé said to me when our arms were wrapped around each other.
All I was doing was looking into his eyes,
but he could FEEL me.
And, because of what he feels in me,
he will do anything for me.
What he feels in me is my ESSENCE.
What is essence?
The dictionary defines essence as:
the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something.
I define essence as your SPIRIT,
the truth about you, your core, the part of you that is eternal.
The realest and most tangible qualities that make you YOU.
Do you ever notice that a lot of dating coaches give you tactics to take to meet your man?
They focus on actions as if there really is a specific text you can send,
a certain color you can wear,
or a certain thing you can DO to make a man fall for you?
And, did you ever notice that even though you use those tactics, they mostly don’t work?
The reason is because action action action doesn’t work
to draw in the RIGHT man for you,
if you aren’t living from your ESSENCE (your spirit).
Living from your ESSENCE makes you a super-strong
super-shiny magnet for the RIGHT man.
He sees you and immediately FEELS that you are right for him.
Trust me on this.
My man said that he knew even from our texting on Tinder
that we would be a great match.
(because I laced my profile with my ESSENCE words)
And, he also says that he fell in love with me on the first date.
You see, love at first sight and having a man be committed to you
pretty much from the get-go, isn’t possible
when you use surface-level tactics
(that usually border on manipulation of men.)
That level of devotion from a man is only possible,
when you’ve first done the work to connect you with your essence.
Here is a Five Minute Exercise that you can do
to get you connected with your Essence:
Sit comfortably with a journal nearby and pray/meditate on the prompts below:
- Please connect me with my essence.
- Please show me what is blocking me from living my essence.
- What do I have to let go of to live my essence?
- What practical steps can I take now to feel my essence daily?
When you start living from your essence,
and actually letting it show in your interactions with men,
you attract in the man who is the exact right match for you.
The man who will love your BEING
so much so that he will do anything for you and always want to be with you.
Here’s the thing though,
and the reason why most women choose NOT to live from their essence
and instead waste their time scouring the internet for countless dating tactics
designed to pretty much manipulate non-committal men into a relationship….
Living from your Essence in today’s world is hard.
It takes real bravery to let the realest, truest part of you out,
for all the world to see (and potentially criticize or reject).
But, it’s worth it.
I have my amazing man today because I am brave enough
to let the REAL me show.
I didn’t let all of my childhood pain
plus the years and years of truly suffering in my love life
harden my heart
put a shell around me
and make me so afraid of getting hurt again,
and not being loved,
that I never revealed my true, soft, vulnerable self to a man.
I chose to feel all of the pain,
all of the fear
and LOVE ANYWAY.
I chose to not let my beautiful essence (spirit)
be damaged by all of the pain, betrayal and heartache in my life,
but instead to make a bold decision
that I would HONOR and LIVE from my essence
no matter what.
And, from all of the steps that I’ve shared with you over the years
about how to attract the right man for you,
I honestly believe that this is the most important one.
Your essence is the most beautiful and attractive thing about you.
It’s what makes a man want to devote his entire life to you.
Living from your essence is not an easy choice.
But it’s a necessary one if you want true love.
It’s a brave choice.
And, true love favors the BOLD.
While checking facebook today I came across an article
that immediately grabbed my attention.
This article explains the very real chemical reasons
why women become addicted to bad boys,
unavailable men and those who won’t commit
and why women become turned off by good guys.
I had to share this with you because I know that it’s likely that you’ve dealt
with at least one man in your past who didn’t treat you right.
You may know that I myself was in a relationship that turned emotionally abusive,
and finally made the brave choice to leave after what had once started out so great
turned very destructive.
(click here to watch the video of how I survived a relationship with a narcissist).
When we’re in a toxically addicted cycle with a bad boy,
we can feel like there’s no hope.
We stay with the man who treats us like crap,
or who isn’t fully available,
because of chemicals in our brain
but also because of what’s missing in our heart…self-love.
We only stay with someone who doesn’t treat us like a Queen,
because deep down, inside, we full unworthy
of a totally amazing man who would worship and adore us.
I get it because I’ve been there.
And, I also speak as a woman who broke free
from that pattern of negative relationships,
and grew to love myself so much that I attracted in a truly amazing man,
with an incredible heart, who adores me and is 100% committed.
If you’ve been addicted to a bad boy, it’s not your fault.
It happens to the best of us.
But, once you’re aware, it is your responsibility to shift the pattern,
if you really do want amazing love one day.
I hope that reading this article makes you feel not alone.
I hope that it helps you have compassion for yourself,
if you’ve ever made some choices in love that were harmful to you.
And, I hope that my story can inspire you
that real change in your love life is possible.
That there IS an amazing man out there who won’t hurt you.
And who just wants to make you happy.
If I can help you get that amazing man,
in away way I can, I would be honored to.
Because, you deserve it!
My fiancé and I just celebrated our one year anniversary this week
and I was sitting here amazed at just how much can change in one year.
He took me to a super fancy 4-course French Dinner
at the Grand Del Mar here in San Diego…he said “I wanted to take you someplace opulent”
The man knows me!
What I thought would be most helpful for YOU
is for me to share the MINDSET SHIFTS
that I truly believe got me to the place
where I could attract in such an amazing, devoted man
AND keep him and create epic love with him.
One more thing….Mike said to me at dinner
“Nicole, I will be here for you always. I will be here for you as long as you want me to.”
And honestly in that moment I thought of YOU, I thought of my community
and how almost every woman that I’ve ever talked to about her love life says she wants the same thing:
safety, security, commitment, someone who she adores and who treats her like a Queen.
I have that, and here’s the mindset shifts that helped me get there:
Mindset Shift #1 – I know, deep in my bones, that I am MEANT for great love. I believe in my love dream, even when I can’t see any physical evidence of it manifesting. I trust in my love desire ABOVE ALL and I refuse to doubt that it will happen.
In order to manifest anything on the physical level, you first have to BELIEVE that it’s possible, despite evidence. So, I practiced amping up my love belief every single day until I got to a place of 100% faith.
I seriously knew that there was NO WAY I would not have great love. And, I kept the faith no matter what.
By the way, for anyone who has experienced a lot of trauma or negative dating experience, this step is CRUCIAL.
The thing is, your past really has no power to determine your love future until you let it.
I amped up my love belief right after leaving a relationship that had turned abusive.
I didn’t let that relationship destroy me or my faith in my love dreams
I let that pain motivate me and fire me up to build my faith in love even stronger.
Mindset Shift #2 – I trust that every single dating experience, even the “negative” ones are bringing me to my higher good. I know that every experience is here to make me ready to BE the woman who can receive my high-level man
I figured out a way to make dating not suck. A way to stop being continually disappointed with my dating experience and how to not get bitter, closed and shut down.
I now call this strategy “dating for growth” and my clients use it to go from being single for 10 years to with their man in 6 months.
The bottom line is, it’s all about perspective.
You can choose to play the victim and believe that you’re just a sad, sorry case and that love doesn’t work out for you OR you can choose to find the gold, the silver lining and the GIFT in every single dating experience.
I most definitely faced pain, heartache, loss and rejection from men on the way to my Man BUT I chose to see each experience not as unnecessary pain or a sign that I should quit dating, but as necessary GROWTH that was helping me skill up in dating, heal my triggers and ultimately shape me into the woman I needed to be to receive my man.
Mindset Shift #3 – I’m an espresso, NOT a caramel latte!
This one was huge for me. What I was previously doing was mistakenly thinking that if someone didn’t like me, that it was because I was somehow deficient, or too much.
For example, if I talked to much about spirituality on a date and then the guy didn’t call me back, I would assume that I had made a mistake in showing that part of me or that maybe that part wasn’t attractive to men.
But then one day I simply said STOP.
And instead of focusing on my perceived flaws or how I wasn’t up to standard for every single person that I met, I started focusing on what I liked about myself and what I truly valued in myself.
I realized I’m deep, I’m spiritual, I’m intense AND I like those qualities in myself.
I’m not the girl that’s good at small talk or who’s just super bubbly and I probably never will be.
I said out loud I’m an espresso, damnit!! I’m NOT a caramel latte and that’s totally Ok.
And guess what happened? When I started to OWN me, I attracted in men who actually loved my qualities.
My man is also spiritual, deep and intense and we get along so well…I would have never found him if I was still trying to play the game of diluting or changing my personality to get every single man to like me.
Mindset Shift #4 – I am the prize. Any man would be lucky to be with me. I am the best catch on the market.
Self-Confidence. It really is the #1 thing men say they want in a woman, yet so many women don’t haven’t.
I know that I didn’t for years.
But I worked on my confidence like it was a full time job, and eventually I got there.
One exercise that I did that really helped, is I wrote a list of 30 reasons why I’m a great catch and I read that every single day until it sank it.
The bottom line is, by the time I met my Man I TRULY felt like I was the prize. That got me out of desperate, clingy energy so I could lean back, be a Queen and let him show up for me.
Because I was so confident in myself from day 1, he was so confident that I was the best catch and even asked me to be exclusive after 3 dates.
And, I said no! I made him wait a month because I was so confident in myself that I ONLY wanted to be with a man who was truly great for me…luckily he showed me in that month that he was truly a great man, and we’ve been happy together ever since.
I hope that these mindset shifts are helpful for you.
What I want you to know is that it does get better.
Great love is in your future.
You just have to believe it.
And then take steps every single day to get there.
It can happen in less time than you think.